dear 2010,

YOU SUCKED.

there's no easier way to say it. i am overflowing lately but no urge to tell it to anyone. for fear that no one understands. partially because i don't even have words for thoughts.

i decided: 2011 = soul searching.
i need it.

I read through some things over the past couple years I wrote on here. I miss those things I used to say. I miss those things I used to feel. what happened?
life.
that's what.
a part of life I didnt think I would have to deal with for a long time again.

If i actually decide to press "publish post" on this one it could be a miracle. I've never even told people some of these things.

It's been over a year now. More than 365 days. that seems like a lot. it looks like a big number. but it goes fast. speed of lightening & it's over like that. despite the fastness of every year that goes by, 2010 had a pause & fast forward button. thank goodness. because i was getting tired of it at times. see, i never used to be that way. i would have never said that before. before meaning before i lost one of the most important people in my life. you took a part of me with you, you know that? or i'm still trying to hold on to all of you. how about both.
things changed. & i'm learning things i don't want to learn. some good, probably some bad.
out of those 365 days, i had tears estimating around 334 days. usually at night. because night is when my thought arise.
it seems like it's just getting harder. why now? i thought by now it was suppose to be easier.

ending this rant. this is even vague.

i'm struggling. but i have good intentions for 2011. a new year for happiness to come back 24/7 like before. my kind of happiness. not everyone else's.
i'm going to make it. we all are.
soul searching.
you have my whole heart. take care of it for me ok? no one else will do.

you always made me feel like the most bright & creative & beautiful person. I'm getting there again. i want to be what you always made me feel like.
i've already been smiling more. & i promise to think of you more because i want to be ok.
you know what i love most, you two are shining down on me. every single day.