is a good thing to see.
i havnt been this happy in a long time. which is a state of being that usually comes so naturally to me. the past 10 months of my life have been the hardest times of my life. but thats when you learn the most.
"at least when you're at your lowest, you know how to feel things"
it feels like it happened overnight. there were nights when i honestly couldnt believe all that i was feeling & was scared at what could happen next.
& i realized it can only get better from here. & i feel like my answers are literally hanging in my face. & i am becoming "content" with all that is happening. i take it & i learn from it.
what no one really knows is that ive let the sadness take over me.
9.28.2010
6.16.2010
2010:
must be the year for change.
& not blogging. i could say what has been going on but there's too much & i'm only writing this one cause its 12:30 am & i can't sleep.
a couple months ago, i would have told you it was the year to get married & have children. & it still is and those are all good changes.
but neither of those apply to my changes.
& i don't know how i feel about the things changing in my life. somedays i like it, somedays i dont, somedays i'm so lost i dont even have an opinion about it. mainly because i can't really control it.
at the ripe age of 20, i thought i started to get things figured out. i'm slowly learning that most people dont have it figured out. but were all trying.
also,
my heart goes the wrong way sometimes. or though it seems. the times i do see you, which is never very long, i can feel you really don't want me there. your words & actions don't match up. you'll give me about 3 seconds of hope that maybe you'll change your mind & that is enough for me to still want you anyway. no matter how hard you push me away. why is that?
why do i continue to put myself in the same scenarios just different actors?
must be the year for change.
& not blogging. i could say what has been going on but there's too much & i'm only writing this one cause its 12:30 am & i can't sleep.
a couple months ago, i would have told you it was the year to get married & have children. & it still is and those are all good changes.
but neither of those apply to my changes.
& i don't know how i feel about the things changing in my life. somedays i like it, somedays i dont, somedays i'm so lost i dont even have an opinion about it. mainly because i can't really control it.
at the ripe age of 20, i thought i started to get things figured out. i'm slowly learning that most people dont have it figured out. but were all trying.
also,
my heart goes the wrong way sometimes. or though it seems. the times i do see you, which is never very long, i can feel you really don't want me there. your words & actions don't match up. you'll give me about 3 seconds of hope that maybe you'll change your mind & that is enough for me to still want you anyway. no matter how hard you push me away. why is that?
why do i continue to put myself in the same scenarios just different actors?
5.10.2010
5.03.2010
4.12.2010
i'm alive.
time flies..
there is so much i could update on, i don't even know what to say.
there is so much i could update on, i don't even know what to say.
life is busy. first time i've sat down on here in a long time.
i've moved on,
i'm moving forward,
i'm moving fast,
i've moved on,
i'm moving forward,
i'm moving fast,
& i'm learning some things in between.
& i'm happy.
there's a blessing.
2.08.2010
2.07.2010
1.27.2010
i don't know.
i have a million things to say.
i am one of the happiest people i know.
yes, i can honestly say that.
i'm a little more "happy-go-lucky" than most. i'm happiest when i'm carefree. and i find it's hard for me to understand why everyone isnt like that. of course i have bad days too, and i get sad, and i cry..alot haha but i easily overcome it. whatever, i live in my dream world. i hate being in bad moods. i am aware i havnt lived through things some people have, i have had things quite easy, but there are things i have gone through that i rather wouldnt. no, it's not effortless. but i pray and carry my faith through everything and that makes me happy.
i get kind of tired of being around sad people.
haiti.
my heart breaks to pieces. i bet those people arnt very happy but i'll bet you they are THANKFUL for even what little they have left. thankful that they are still...living. you think you have it hard, go visit them. help them build haiti back to what it used to be...which was poverty.
were spoiled.
i had a young girl come to me today. as my boss came to tell me she was here, i looked at her and said i don't know if i can this, i'm really nervous. not to tell this girl's life story, but she had an incident and her father had to shave her head. i could tell this was life changing to her. i saw her walk in and knew it was her as she had a wig on. at 12, no emotion, no smiles, & embarrased. before i introduced myself, my boss took me to the back and we prayed, for both of us. i wasnt sure i had the strength to do her hair and make this little 12 year old feel beautiful again. i pulled myself together and took her to my chair. she would barely even make eye contact with me. she took off her wig, which had to of been the hardest part for her. a lady was with her, i dont think it was her mother, but she was with her helping her decide what to do. they wanted to do something so she wouldnt have to wear the wig anymore. her hair was about the same length as mine was back in august and she wanted it black with a little bit of red in it. exactly what my hair used to be. God's strenth really shined through the whole time. so i talked to her, trying to get her to open up. colored and cut her hair and showed her different ways she could style it and put a little lipgloss on her. i didnt quite get a full smile out of her, but in the end, she wanted to leave the wig. told us to throw it away. that was enough. that wig was her security blanket, her way of being accepted. she walked out that door with enough confidence to walk into 7th grade tomorrow knowing who she is, without a wig.
she is stronger than she knows.
i'm still learning, a lot. but i find that i am around people who need uplifting because that is who i am. i want everyone around me to be happy. i find myself in situations like this all the time. and i continue to learn through every one.
my tiny little heart hasnt seen it all,
but i still have love to give.
i have the most rewarding job in the world. yet, it's not easy.
i don't know, you know when you have so much to say but it doesn't come out how you want it to. that's me.
i have a million things to say.
i am one of the happiest people i know.
yes, i can honestly say that.
i'm a little more "happy-go-lucky" than most. i'm happiest when i'm carefree. and i find it's hard for me to understand why everyone isnt like that. of course i have bad days too, and i get sad, and i cry..alot haha but i easily overcome it. whatever, i live in my dream world. i hate being in bad moods. i am aware i havnt lived through things some people have, i have had things quite easy, but there are things i have gone through that i rather wouldnt. no, it's not effortless. but i pray and carry my faith through everything and that makes me happy.
i get kind of tired of being around sad people.
haiti.
my heart breaks to pieces. i bet those people arnt very happy but i'll bet you they are THANKFUL for even what little they have left. thankful that they are still...living. you think you have it hard, go visit them. help them build haiti back to what it used to be...which was poverty.
were spoiled.
i had a young girl come to me today. as my boss came to tell me she was here, i looked at her and said i don't know if i can this, i'm really nervous. not to tell this girl's life story, but she had an incident and her father had to shave her head. i could tell this was life changing to her. i saw her walk in and knew it was her as she had a wig on. at 12, no emotion, no smiles, & embarrased. before i introduced myself, my boss took me to the back and we prayed, for both of us. i wasnt sure i had the strength to do her hair and make this little 12 year old feel beautiful again. i pulled myself together and took her to my chair. she would barely even make eye contact with me. she took off her wig, which had to of been the hardest part for her. a lady was with her, i dont think it was her mother, but she was with her helping her decide what to do. they wanted to do something so she wouldnt have to wear the wig anymore. her hair was about the same length as mine was back in august and she wanted it black with a little bit of red in it. exactly what my hair used to be. God's strenth really shined through the whole time. so i talked to her, trying to get her to open up. colored and cut her hair and showed her different ways she could style it and put a little lipgloss on her. i didnt quite get a full smile out of her, but in the end, she wanted to leave the wig. told us to throw it away. that was enough. that wig was her security blanket, her way of being accepted. she walked out that door with enough confidence to walk into 7th grade tomorrow knowing who she is, without a wig.
she is stronger than she knows.
i'm still learning, a lot. but i find that i am around people who need uplifting because that is who i am. i want everyone around me to be happy. i find myself in situations like this all the time. and i continue to learn through every one.
romans 8:28
and we know that in all things
God works for the good of
those who love him, who
have been called according
to his purpose.
psalms 46:1-3 God is our refuge
and strength, a very present
help in trouble. therefore we
will not fear, even though the
earth be removed, and though
the mountains be carried into
the midst of the sea; though its
waters roar and be troubled, though
the mountains shake with its swelling.
my tiny little heart hasnt seen it all,
but i still have love to give.
i have the most rewarding job in the world. yet, it's not easy.
i don't know, you know when you have so much to say but it doesn't come out how you want it to. that's me.
1.23.2010
1.21.2010
update? here's all i got.
one. 2 days left. out of 4. ha.
two. i'm eating a giant reese's heart! that means i have a giant heart. (or i just ate 340 calories for nothing.)
three. a lady sat in my chair today and unknowingly reminded me why i love my job so much. it is more than doing hair.
four. what's with the coyotes?!
1,2,3,4..tell me that you love me more.
one. 2 days left. out of 4. ha.
two. i'm eating a giant reese's heart! that means i have a giant heart. (or i just ate 340 calories for nothing.)
three. a lady sat in my chair today and unknowingly reminded me why i love my job so much. it is more than doing hair.
four. what's with the coyotes?!
1,2,3,4..tell me that you love me more.
"Life has to be a little nuts sometimes.
Otherwise
it's just a bunch of Thursdays strung together."
today, i might have been ok with that. but i like to mix things up.
1.13.2010
1.10.2010
1.08.2010
1.05.2010
1.04.2010
a huge part of my life has left this world. emotions all over the place. i find myself crying and laughing scrolling through all the memories. and those memories i am oh so thankful for. they are now all i have left.
many of us will never understand. ever. but it is something we have to accept. i could go through my regrets of not calling you more often, not making plans more often, but i would just lower myself and not be able to make it through this. so i know i told you i loved you as often as i had the chance and i hope you knew that. i hope you knew that you were/are loved. you were never a burden to anyone, you were my life. & forever will be.
although i will always believe that it was not your time to leave, you thought it was. and i know for that, you are much happier right now. i'm waiting for your sign to let me know you're ok. i know ill see it soon. i do hate that i couldn't make you happy. none of us could, it was out of our control. it frustrates me a lot. you were the "father" in my life. you had more impact on my life than you ever knew. i wish i would have told you that. the most important thing i think i learned from you was faith. you had faith that i hadnt seen before. and love. you had so much love to give to me, well everyone, but i knew you loved me. and no one can replace that love.
we had plans you know. i hate that we don't get to experience them together now. i know you'll be there in my heart which should be ok, but it's selfishly not enough.
i know when i walk down the isle at my wedding, you'll be there with me. i'll be able to feel you there. but i still wish you would be there to hold my hand. when we go to england, i won't have you to show me and tell me all about your life and listen to stories. but i'll be there spreading my dad and your's ashes.
every christmas eve will be a remembrance of you. we might even still make chili and play scrabble. (although the thomas team won't be able to win without you. making up our own words and all)
i know the "freshness" of this will soon fade and when i think of you, it will be all smiles, instead of tears. till then, my heart is heavy and i miss you.
love,
"little one"
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