daydreamer.

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.

Winter.

I should know
Who I am by now
I walk
The record stands somehow
Thinking of winter

Your name is the splinter inside me
While I wait

And I remember the sound
Of your November downtown
And I remember the truth
A warm December with you
But I don't have to make this mistake
And I don't have to stay this way
If only I would wait

The walk has all been cleared by now
Your voice is all I hear somehow
Calling out Winter

Your voice is the splinter inside me
While I wait

I remember the sound
Of your November downtown
And I remember the truth
A warm December with you
But I don't have to make this mistake
And I don't have to stay this way
If only I would wait

I could have lost myself
In rough blue waters in your eyes
And I miss you still

I remember the sound
Of your November downtown
And I remember the truth
A warm December with you
But I don't have to make this mistake
And I don't have to stay this way
If only I would wait

dear 2010,

YOU SUCKED.

there's no easier way to say it. i am overflowing lately but no urge to tell it to anyone. for fear that no one understands. partially because i don't even have words for thoughts.

i decided: 2011 = soul searching.
i need it.

I read through some things over the past couple years I wrote on here. I miss those things I used to say. I miss those things I used to feel. what happened?
life.
that's what.
a part of life I didnt think I would have to deal with for a long time again.

If i actually decide to press "publish post" on this one it could be a miracle. I've never even told people some of these things.

It's been over a year now. More than 365 days. that seems like a lot. it looks like a big number. but it goes fast. speed of lightening & it's over like that. despite the fastness of every year that goes by, 2010 had a pause & fast forward button. thank goodness. because i was getting tired of it at times. see, i never used to be that way. i would have never said that before. before meaning before i lost one of the most important people in my life. you took a part of me with you, you know that? or i'm still trying to hold on to all of you. how about both.
things changed. & i'm learning things i don't want to learn. some good, probably some bad.
out of those 365 days, i had tears estimating around 334 days. usually at night. because night is when my thought arise.
it seems like it's just getting harder. why now? i thought by now it was suppose to be easier.

ending this rant. this is even vague.

i'm struggling. but i have good intentions for 2011. a new year for happiness to come back 24/7 like before. my kind of happiness. not everyone else's.
i'm going to make it. we all are.
soul searching.
you have my whole heart. take care of it for me ok? no one else will do.

you always made me feel like the most bright & creative & beautiful person. I'm getting there again. i want to be what you always made me feel like.
i've already been smiling more. & i promise to think of you more because i want to be ok.
you know what i love most, you two are shining down on me. every single day.

of course i've wanted to blog & post new things &
tell life's stories & share things "outloud".

i just havent wanted to lately. i keep a lot of things to myself these days.
but maybe soon.