in my reverie

2010:
must be the year for change.
& not blogging. i could say what has been going on but there's too much & i'm only writing this one cause its 12:30 am & i can't sleep.

a couple months ago, i would have told you it was the year to get married & have children. & it still is and those are all good changes.
but neither of those apply to my changes.
& i don't know how i feel about the things changing in my life. somedays i like it, somedays i dont, somedays i'm so lost i dont even have an opinion about it. mainly because i can't really control it.
at the ripe age of 20, i thought i started to get things figured out. i'm slowly learning that most people dont have it figured out. but were all trying.

also,
my heart goes the wrong way sometimes. or though it seems. the times i do see you, which is never very long, i can feel you really don't want me there. your words & actions don't match up. you'll give me about 3 seconds of hope that maybe you'll change your mind & that is enough for me to still want you anyway. no matter how hard you push me away. why is that?

why do i continue to put myself in the same scenarios just different actors?