in my reverie

a huge part of my life has left this world. emotions all over the place. i find myself crying and laughing scrolling through all the memories. and those memories i am oh so thankful for. they are now all i have left.

many of us will never understand. ever. but it is something we have to accept. i could go through my regrets of not calling you more often, not making plans more often, but i would just lower myself and not be able to make it through this. so i know i told you i loved you as often as i had the chance and i hope you knew that. i hope you knew that you were/are loved. you were never a burden to anyone, you were my life. & forever will be.

although i will always believe that it was not your time to leave, you thought it was. and i know for that, you are much happier right now. i'm waiting for your sign to let me know you're ok. i know ill see it soon. i do hate that i couldn't make you happy. none of us could, it was out of our control. it frustrates me a lot. you were the "father" in my life. you had more impact on my life than you ever knew. i wish i would have told you that. the most important thing i think i learned from you was faith. you had faith that i hadnt seen before. and love. you had so much love to give to me, well everyone, but i knew you loved me. and no one can replace that love.

we had plans you know. i hate that we don't get to experience them together now. i know you'll be there in my heart which should be ok, but it's selfishly not enough.

i know when i walk down the isle at my wedding, you'll be there with me. i'll be able to feel you there. but i still wish you would be there to hold my hand. when we go to england, i won't have you to show me and tell me all about your life and listen to stories. but i'll be there spreading my dad and your's ashes.

every christmas eve will be a remembrance of you. we might even still make chili and play scrabble. (although the thomas team won't be able to win without you. making up our own words and all)

i know the "freshness" of this will soon fade and when i think of you, it will be all smiles, instead of tears. till then, my heart is heavy and i miss you.

love,

"little one"