new. prepare, its a long one.

Well, first I must introduce the new love of my life:

Squirrel.

I don't know how I ever lived without him.

He is my baby.

However, on the subject of fuzzy children,

we did have to say goodbye to our Madison.

She lived a long, happy 14 years & is missed

dearly. She is in a better place now & I still

think & talk to her often. She isn't suffering

anymore & that's the only way I can smile now.

I'm pretty sure she sent Squirrel to me.

Love you "Bunty".

I'm in another "in-between" stage in life. Least favorite place. But how else do you get from one place to the other. It always turns out fine :)

Looking to change a few things, hopefully soon! We'll see.

Ray Lamontagne is TOMORROW. IT IS GOING TO BE MIND BLOWING. details later.

I've had an off & on overwhelmed heart. No body warns you what it feels like to watch someone you've had in your heart move on without you. Everything happens for a reason, everything happens for a rea.......etc. Hindsight will always be 20/20. When I get there, I'll see it. Adele-Someone like you <-- made for me, I'm telling you.

After EVERYTHING though, I have forced myself into believing I don't want any of that. Marriage, relationships, love. & usually someone never has a problem reminding me why. But I think I still have a tiny bit of hope that I'll find it & be happy in it. But the other side is telling me I wasn't made to have that. I've made myself pretty independent, where do you even start? I'm still figuring that out.....or deciding if I want to..That's a long drawn out subject. Squirrel is the best company, love, better half I could ever have. So you'll have to beat that. Good luck.

ABOVE ALL,

HAPPINESS
IS HERE & I CAN ONLY BE

THANKFUL.

this just happened.

[10:04:53 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
[10:05:10 PM] tiffany greskamp: creep
[10:05:20 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: seriously. he just pushed me over the edge.
[10:05:24 PM] tiffany greskamp: ha
[10:05:28 PM] tiffany greskamp: did you say anything?
[10:05:46 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: noooope
[10:05:55 PM] tiffany greskamp: goo
[10:05:55 PM] tiffany greskamp: d
[10:20:48 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: fooorizzle
[10:20:56 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: im in a weird mood!!!!!!!!!1
[10:21:07 PM] tiffany greskamp: ummm you just said forrizle
[10:21:11 PM] tiffany greskamp: 0_o
[10:21:16 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: PAAAAAAAA
[10:21:21 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: I KNOW
[10:21:25 PM] tiffany greskamp: yo uwerido
[10:21:32 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: SERIOUSLY.
[10:21:38 PM] tiffany greskamp: lol
[10:21:41 PM] tiffany greskamp: howd your hair turn out
[10:21:52 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: BEAUTIMOUS.
[10:21:56 PM] tiffany greskamp: what????
[10:22:24 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: BEAUTIFUL + I DONT KNOW WHAT OTHER WORD I COMBINED WITH THAT
[10:22:27 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: FABULOUS?
[10:22:29 PM] tiffany greskamp: HAHAHAHAHAHA
[10:22:33 PM] tiffany greskamp: haha
[10:22:37 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: NOT SURE WHERE THE M CAME FROM
[10:22:49 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: HEHEH
[10:22:49 PM] tiffany greskamp: LOL
[10:22:57 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: BAHAHAHA
[10:22:57 PM] tiffany greskamp: i wish i was hyper like u
[10:23:05 PM] tiffany greskamp: im so sleepy from doing nothing ha
[10:23:32 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: YOU NEED TO HYPEREXTEND
[10:23:33 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: LOL
[10:23:42 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: BUT NOT YOUR ARM JUST YOURSELF
[10:23:43 PM] tiffany greskamp: thats a bad thing
[10:23:47 PM] tiffany greskamp: lol
[10:23:57 PM] tiffany greskamp: i dont understand
[10:24:03 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: ME EITHER
[10:24:09 PM] tiffany greskamp: did you inhale too much hair color today
[10:24:17 PM] tiffany greskamp: you make me giggle
[10:24:21 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: MORE THAN LIKELY
[10:24:31 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: I CAN HEAR YOUR GIGGLE THROUGH OUR TISSUE PAPER WALLS
[10:24:43 PM] tiffany greskamp: WHY ALL THE CAPS????!!??!?
[10:24:51 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: CAUSE ITS MORE FUN
[10:24:55 PM] tiffany greskamp: o
[10:24:56 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: AND IT LOOKS LIKE IM YELLING
[10:24:57 PM] tiffany greskamp: O
[10:25:01 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: TO GET THE POINT ACROSS
[10:25:07 PM] tiffany greskamp: IM IN A STORE AND IM SINGING\
[10:25:30 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: IM HERE WITH MY DAD.....& WE NEVER MET & HE WANTS ME TO SING HIM A SOOOONG
[10:25:35 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: & GUESS WHAT
[10:25:39 PM] tiffany greskamp: LOL WHAT
[10:25:43 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
[10:26:04 PM] tiffany greskamp: YOUR FACE SHOULD BE ON A CHRISTMAS CARD
[10:26:18 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: WHATS A CHRISTMAS GRAHAM! I WANT ONEEE
[10:26:29 PM] tiffany greskamp: CAN YOU GIIIIVE UUUUUSSSS DIIIRRREEEEEECTIOONNNNSSSS???? ....COMMMMMME BAAAAACKKK
[10:26:44 PM] tiffany greskamp: WOOOHAHAHHHAAAAA BLLALAHHAHH
[10:26:48 PM] tiffany greskamp: THAT SOUNDED A LITTLE ORCA ISH
[10:27:04 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: I WISH I COULD SPEAK WHALE
[10:27:09 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: MAYBE I SHOULD TRY HUMPBACK
[10:27:15 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[10:27:17 PM] tiffany greskamp: LOL
[10:27:37 PM] tiffany greskamp: WERE LOOKING FOR HIS SON DINGO
[10:27:42 PM] tiffany greskamp: NEMO
[10:27:52 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: HIS SON BINGO
[10:28:00 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: NEMOOOO
[10:28:14 PM] tiffany greskamp: P SHERMAN 42 WALLABY WAY SYDNEY
[10:28:20 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: I REMEMBERED IT AGIAN!
[10:28:24 PM] tiffany greskamp: "ESCAP-E"
[10:28:36 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: HUH THATS FUNNY IT LOOKS JUST LIKE THE WORD ESCAPE
[10:28:55 PM] tiffany greskamp: OH LOOK ITS A PARTY WHO BROUGHT BALLOONS?
[10:29:04 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: CAREFUL WITH THAT HAMMER
[10:29:23 PM] tiffany greskamp: HO HO HOHO HOOO I LOOVE TOO SWWIIIIIMMM
[10:29:52 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: HEY CONSIOUS, AM I DEAD?
[10:30:20 PM] tiffany greskamp: D.A.R.L.A.
[10:30:39 PM] tiffany greskamp: YOURE REALLY CUTE BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOURE SAYING!
[10:31:17 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: SEAMONKEY STOLE MY $$$$$$$
[10:31:22 PM] tiffany greskamp: LOL
[10:32:20 PM] tiffany greskamp: GO TO BED
[10:32:28 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: NEVERRRRRRRR
[10:32:36 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: I ACTUALLY NEED TO WORK OUT...IM STALLING
[10:32:39 PM] tiffany greskamp: LOL OK 5YEAR OLD
[10:32:50 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: HAHAH DEVIL 5 YEAR OLD
[10:32:51 PM] tiffany greskamp: JUMP ON YOUR BEN FOR AEROBICS
[10:32:53 PM] tiffany greskamp: *BED
[10:32:55 PM] tiffany greskamp: HAHAHAHAAA
[10:32:58 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[10:33:10 PM] tiffany greskamp: I HEAR YOU LAUGHING AND ITS MAKING ME LAUGH
[10:33:13 PM] tiffany greskamp: UNCONTROLLABLY
[10:33:16 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: PAHAHHAHA
[10:33:17 PM] tiffany greskamp: IM GASPING FOR AIR
[10:33:27 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: WOULDNT IT BE COOL IF WE BOTH HAD BENS
[10:33:32 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: TEHEHTEHHE
[10:33:38 PM] tiffany greskamp: YEAH THEN WE COULD BE BEN BUDDIES
[10:33:46 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: AND JUMP ON THEM
[10:33:49 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: LOL
[10:33:50 PM] tiffany greskamp: HAHA
[10:33:56 PM] tiffany greskamp: HES CALLING ME RIGHT NOW
[10:33:59 PM] tiffany greskamp: SSHHH
[10:34:13 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: HAPPY BIRTHDAY BENJYYYYYYYYY
[10:45:36 PM] Michaela T. Thomas: IM GOING TO SAVE THIS CONVERSATION FOR MY WHOLE LIFE.

daydreamer.

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.

Winter.

I should know
Who I am by now
I walk
The record stands somehow
Thinking of winter

Your name is the splinter inside me
While I wait

And I remember the sound
Of your November downtown
And I remember the truth
A warm December with you
But I don't have to make this mistake
And I don't have to stay this way
If only I would wait

The walk has all been cleared by now
Your voice is all I hear somehow
Calling out Winter

Your voice is the splinter inside me
While I wait

I remember the sound
Of your November downtown
And I remember the truth
A warm December with you
But I don't have to make this mistake
And I don't have to stay this way
If only I would wait

I could have lost myself
In rough blue waters in your eyes
And I miss you still

I remember the sound
Of your November downtown
And I remember the truth
A warm December with you
But I don't have to make this mistake
And I don't have to stay this way
If only I would wait

dear 2010,

YOU SUCKED.

there's no easier way to say it. i am overflowing lately but no urge to tell it to anyone. for fear that no one understands. partially because i don't even have words for thoughts.

i decided: 2011 = soul searching.
i need it.

I read through some things over the past couple years I wrote on here. I miss those things I used to say. I miss those things I used to feel. what happened?
life.
that's what.
a part of life I didnt think I would have to deal with for a long time again.

If i actually decide to press "publish post" on this one it could be a miracle. I've never even told people some of these things.

It's been over a year now. More than 365 days. that seems like a lot. it looks like a big number. but it goes fast. speed of lightening & it's over like that. despite the fastness of every year that goes by, 2010 had a pause & fast forward button. thank goodness. because i was getting tired of it at times. see, i never used to be that way. i would have never said that before. before meaning before i lost one of the most important people in my life. you took a part of me with you, you know that? or i'm still trying to hold on to all of you. how about both.
things changed. & i'm learning things i don't want to learn. some good, probably some bad.
out of those 365 days, i had tears estimating around 334 days. usually at night. because night is when my thought arise.
it seems like it's just getting harder. why now? i thought by now it was suppose to be easier.

ending this rant. this is even vague.

i'm struggling. but i have good intentions for 2011. a new year for happiness to come back 24/7 like before. my kind of happiness. not everyone else's.
i'm going to make it. we all are.
soul searching.
you have my whole heart. take care of it for me ok? no one else will do.

you always made me feel like the most bright & creative & beautiful person. I'm getting there again. i want to be what you always made me feel like.
i've already been smiling more. & i promise to think of you more because i want to be ok.
you know what i love most, you two are shining down on me. every single day.

of course i've wanted to blog & post new things &
tell life's stories & share things "outloud".

i just havent wanted to lately. i keep a lot of things to myself these days.
but maybe soon.

realization.

is a good thing to see.





i havnt been this happy in a long time. which is a state of being that usually comes so naturally to me. the past 10 months of my life have been the hardest times of my life. but thats when you learn the most.


"at least when you're at your lowest, you know how to feel things"


it feels like it happened overnight. there were nights when i honestly couldnt believe all that i was feeling & was scared at what could happen next.


& i realized it can only get better from here. & i feel like my answers are literally hanging in my face. & i am becoming "content" with all that is happening. i take it & i learn from it.



what no one really knows is that ive let the sadness take over me.

& i want to walk with you on a cloudy day
in fields where the yellow grass grows knee high

2010:
must be the year for change.
& not blogging. i could say what has been going on but there's too much & i'm only writing this one cause its 12:30 am & i can't sleep.

a couple months ago, i would have told you it was the year to get married & have children. & it still is and those are all good changes.
but neither of those apply to my changes.
& i don't know how i feel about the things changing in my life. somedays i like it, somedays i dont, somedays i'm so lost i dont even have an opinion about it. mainly because i can't really control it.
at the ripe age of 20, i thought i started to get things figured out. i'm slowly learning that most people dont have it figured out. but were all trying.

also,
my heart goes the wrong way sometimes. or though it seems. the times i do see you, which is never very long, i can feel you really don't want me there. your words & actions don't match up. you'll give me about 3 seconds of hope that maybe you'll change your mind & that is enough for me to still want you anyway. no matter how hard you push me away. why is that?

why do i continue to put myself in the same scenarios just different actors?

i kinda feel like you and me
see the world as different
places.