I should know
Who I am by now
I walk
The record stands somehow
Thinking of winter
Your name is the splinter inside me
While I wait
And I remember the sound
Of your November downtown
And I remember the truth
A warm December with you
But I don't have to make this mistake
And I don't have to stay this way
If only I would wait
The walk has all been cleared by now
Your voice is all I hear somehow
Calling out Winter
Your voice is the splinter inside me
While I wait
I remember the sound
Of your November downtown
And I remember the truth
A warm December with you
But I don't have to make this mistake
And I don't have to stay this way
If only I would wait
I could have lost myself
In rough blue waters in your eyes
And I miss you still
I remember the sound
Of your November downtown
And I remember the truth
A warm December with you
But I don't have to make this mistake
And I don't have to stay this way
If only I would wait
1.24.2011
dear 2010,
YOU SUCKED.
there's no easier way to say it. i am overflowing lately but no urge to tell it to anyone. for fear that no one understands. partially because i don't even have words for thoughts.
i decided: 2011 = soul searching.
i need it.
I read through some things over the past couple years I wrote on here. I miss those things I used to say. I miss those things I used to feel. what happened?
life.
that's what.
a part of life I didnt think I would have to deal with for a long time again.
If i actually decide to press "publish post" on this one it could be a miracle. I've never even told people some of these things.
It's been over a year now. More than 365 days. that seems like a lot. it looks like a big number. but it goes fast. speed of lightening & it's over like that. despite the fastness of every year that goes by, 2010 had a pause & fast forward button. thank goodness. because i was getting tired of it at times. see, i never used to be that way. i would have never said that before. before meaning before i lost one of the most important people in my life. you took a part of me with you, you know that? or i'm still trying to hold on to all of you. how about both.
things changed. & i'm learning things i don't want to learn. some good, probably some bad.
out of those 365 days, i had tears estimating around 334 days. usually at night. because night is when my thought arise.
it seems like it's just getting harder. why now? i thought by now it was suppose to be easier.
ending this rant. this is even vague.
i'm struggling. but i have good intentions for 2011. a new year for happiness to come back 24/7 like before. my kind of happiness. not everyone else's.
i'm going to make it. we all are.
soul searching.
you have my whole heart. take care of it for me ok? no one else will do.
you always made me feel like the most bright & creative & beautiful person. I'm getting there again. i want to be what you always made me feel like.
i've already been smiling more. & i promise to think of you more because i want to be ok.
you know what i love most, you two are shining down on me. every single day.
there's no easier way to say it. i am overflowing lately but no urge to tell it to anyone. for fear that no one understands. partially because i don't even have words for thoughts.
i decided: 2011 = soul searching.
i need it.
I read through some things over the past couple years I wrote on here. I miss those things I used to say. I miss those things I used to feel. what happened?
life.
that's what.
a part of life I didnt think I would have to deal with for a long time again.
If i actually decide to press "publish post" on this one it could be a miracle. I've never even told people some of these things.
It's been over a year now. More than 365 days. that seems like a lot. it looks like a big number. but it goes fast. speed of lightening & it's over like that. despite the fastness of every year that goes by, 2010 had a pause & fast forward button. thank goodness. because i was getting tired of it at times. see, i never used to be that way. i would have never said that before. before meaning before i lost one of the most important people in my life. you took a part of me with you, you know that? or i'm still trying to hold on to all of you. how about both.
things changed. & i'm learning things i don't want to learn. some good, probably some bad.
out of those 365 days, i had tears estimating around 334 days. usually at night. because night is when my thought arise.
it seems like it's just getting harder. why now? i thought by now it was suppose to be easier.
ending this rant. this is even vague.
i'm struggling. but i have good intentions for 2011. a new year for happiness to come back 24/7 like before. my kind of happiness. not everyone else's.
i'm going to make it. we all are.
soul searching.
you have my whole heart. take care of it for me ok? no one else will do.
you always made me feel like the most bright & creative & beautiful person. I'm getting there again. i want to be what you always made me feel like.
i've already been smiling more. & i promise to think of you more because i want to be ok.
you know what i love most, you two are shining down on me. every single day.
9.28.2010
realization.
is a good thing to see.
i havnt been this happy in a long time. which is a state of being that usually comes so naturally to me. the past 10 months of my life have been the hardest times of my life. but thats when you learn the most.
"at least when you're at your lowest, you know how to feel things"
it feels like it happened overnight. there were nights when i honestly couldnt believe all that i was feeling & was scared at what could happen next.
& i realized it can only get better from here. & i feel like my answers are literally hanging in my face. & i am becoming "content" with all that is happening. i take it & i learn from it.
what no one really knows is that ive let the sadness take over me.
i havnt been this happy in a long time. which is a state of being that usually comes so naturally to me. the past 10 months of my life have been the hardest times of my life. but thats when you learn the most.
"at least when you're at your lowest, you know how to feel things"
it feels like it happened overnight. there were nights when i honestly couldnt believe all that i was feeling & was scared at what could happen next.
& i realized it can only get better from here. & i feel like my answers are literally hanging in my face. & i am becoming "content" with all that is happening. i take it & i learn from it.
what no one really knows is that ive let the sadness take over me.
6.16.2010
2010:
must be the year for change.
& not blogging. i could say what has been going on but there's too much & i'm only writing this one cause its 12:30 am & i can't sleep.
a couple months ago, i would have told you it was the year to get married & have children. & it still is and those are all good changes.
but neither of those apply to my changes.
& i don't know how i feel about the things changing in my life. somedays i like it, somedays i dont, somedays i'm so lost i dont even have an opinion about it. mainly because i can't really control it.
at the ripe age of 20, i thought i started to get things figured out. i'm slowly learning that most people dont have it figured out. but were all trying.
also,
my heart goes the wrong way sometimes. or though it seems. the times i do see you, which is never very long, i can feel you really don't want me there. your words & actions don't match up. you'll give me about 3 seconds of hope that maybe you'll change your mind & that is enough for me to still want you anyway. no matter how hard you push me away. why is that?
why do i continue to put myself in the same scenarios just different actors?
must be the year for change.
& not blogging. i could say what has been going on but there's too much & i'm only writing this one cause its 12:30 am & i can't sleep.
a couple months ago, i would have told you it was the year to get married & have children. & it still is and those are all good changes.
but neither of those apply to my changes.
& i don't know how i feel about the things changing in my life. somedays i like it, somedays i dont, somedays i'm so lost i dont even have an opinion about it. mainly because i can't really control it.
at the ripe age of 20, i thought i started to get things figured out. i'm slowly learning that most people dont have it figured out. but were all trying.
also,
my heart goes the wrong way sometimes. or though it seems. the times i do see you, which is never very long, i can feel you really don't want me there. your words & actions don't match up. you'll give me about 3 seconds of hope that maybe you'll change your mind & that is enough for me to still want you anyway. no matter how hard you push me away. why is that?
why do i continue to put myself in the same scenarios just different actors?
5.10.2010
5.03.2010
4.12.2010
i'm alive.
time flies..
there is so much i could update on, i don't even know what to say.
there is so much i could update on, i don't even know what to say.
life is busy. first time i've sat down on here in a long time.
i've moved on,
i'm moving forward,
i'm moving fast,
i've moved on,
i'm moving forward,
i'm moving fast,
& i'm learning some things in between.
& i'm happy.
there's a blessing.
2.08.2010
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